Why don’t YOU do it (adopt from foster care)?
KC asked:
I feel I need to ask because I never understand when people who have bio children seem to think that people who can’t NEED to adopt from foster care. I get that there are a lot of children in foster care that need homes but they need you too. If you really feel that strongly why didn’t you adopt from foster care? The world did/does not NEED your bio children to over populate so why didn’t YOU adopt from foster care? I never get how people can point out all the children in foster care when it comes to infant adoption, yet seem to forget them when the are popping out children they could have adopted from foster care.
This question 1st started to get to me when my husband and I were trying to get our foster license (a move made us have to wait a bit). I was talking to a friend (25 year my elder) and I told her due to my age and the possibility that maybe someday we would have more children we thought it would be best for our family (all parties involved) to adopt a Caucasian child or sibling group. She jumped all over me about how there were children of other races that needed homes. This struck a nerve with me because she had never done it. If she had helped children who needed her and told me this I would learn from her, however she never did.
Please don’t waist you time calling me a raciest we made this decision based on an experience a close friend of the family had growing up.
If you did adopt from foster care please note that this is not about you but I would love to hear you take.
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I feel I need to ask because I never understand when people who have bio children seem to think that people who can’t NEED to adopt from foster care. I get that there are a lot of children in foster care that need homes but they need you too. If you really feel that strongly why didn’t you adopt from foster care? The world did/does not NEED your bio children to over populate so why didn’t YOU adopt from foster care? I never get how people can point out all the children in foster care when it comes to infant adoption, yet seem to forget them when the are popping out children they could have adopted from foster care.
This question 1st started to get to me when my husband and I were trying to get our foster license (a move made us have to wait a bit). I was talking to a friend (25 year my elder) and I told her due to my age and the possibility that maybe someday we would have more children we thought it would be best for our family (all parties involved) to adopt a Caucasian child or sibling group. She jumped all over me about how there were children of other races that needed homes. This struck a nerve with me because she had never done it. If she had helped children who needed her and told me this I would learn from her, however she never did.
Please don’t waist you time calling me a raciest we made this decision based on an experience a close friend of the family had growing up.
If you did adopt from foster care please note that this is not about you but I would love to hear you take.
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February 17th, 2011 at 7:17 am
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Im totally going to adopt from Foster Care after iv had this baby. I’m thinking of adopting a child aged 3-7 in a few years. The more i have thought about adoption the more sense it makes to do it
February 18th, 2011 at 4:23 am
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I adopted two bi racial children from foster care. I also have a caucasian bio child. It has it’s challenges, mostly I forget that other people see color, including the kids.I have to re- educate my children on appropriate responses to questions whenever we go into a new situation, say dance class or new camp. Mostly my girls get the questions, one bi racial one not and in the same school. why are you and your sister different colors? to which my bio child responds, my sister is adopted to which my adopted child responds she’s not my sister. Oh well. Being a mom of a bi racial child is something you really have to think about. If you are not comfortable with it then I don’t recommend you do it and I don’t have any ill will towards you for not doing it. But I do recommend that you don’t use the word ‘caucasian’ when you talk to people, just say you are adopting and getting the best match for your family. the word caucasian can imply to some people that you are ****** when you are clearly not. and for us moms of bi-racial children, without knowing all of your reasons up front, it can make us cringe that a child has been ruled out due to the melanin in her skin. we try to teach our children that we aren’t judging based on color and it will be hard for you to explain to others in 30 words or less why you simply can’t adopt a black, bi racial, or hispanic child before they start to tell you that they think you are descriminating. I hope this helps.
February 20th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
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My husband and I adopted a sibling group from foster care.
I think that not everyone is capable of parenting adopted children. You just need to read the newspaper to know this is true. Foster children have special emotional needs and it takes a lot of patience and education on the part of the new parent to meet the needs of the child.
Parents with bio children often do not feel the need to adopt at all. They have the family that they want. On the other hand, people who do adopt, are creating their family differently. The opinion that a person should adopt from foster care, in my opinion, is based in the fact that so many paps are looking for a blank slate baby that they can mold into their own child (a myth for sure as babies come with their own personalities and inherited traits). There is an expectation that a newborn will feel more like their own and perhaps fill THEIR need to snuggle up an infant, pass it off as their own, fill their empty arms with baby. This, inturn, adds to the coffers of adoption corruption as paps willing to do or pay whatever it takes to fill their need, move forward regardless of the fact that infant adoption often hurts others.
People who truly want to be parents should want to parent regardless of age. Sadly, thousands of children languish in foster care, while thousands of paps languish trying to find the funds to adopt a perfect newborn or wait years to adopt a perfect blank slate baby.
People who have bio child and, perhaps, feel no need to adopt, are possibly able to see this as they lay no stake in the adoption world. It is easy to see the forest for the trees when your hearts desire isn’t coloring your vision.
February 21st, 2011 at 1:15 pm
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We chose to adopt from foster care because we felt it was the best, most socially responsible, and ethical way to adopt. We also felt that we would rather take the $10,000+ a private adoption would cost and instead use it give the child(ren) the best life possible.
While I applaud people who adopt minority children, and I understand that there is a need for more foster families to adopt them, I also don’t think think there is anything wrong with preferring the child have certain characteristics. When we went through the process, we asked that the children look enough like us that they can pass for our bio children, for much the same reasons you gave.
I would tell your ‘friend’ that you understand their point, and agree in principle, but that you needed to make a decision about what will work best for you and your husband. If that doesn’t stop her, you can always bring out the big guns… if you feel that strongly, why haven’t you adopted a minority?
February 22nd, 2011 at 4:18 pm
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I did adopt from foster care, but I see your point. I hear/read it all the time: Why don’t you adopt from foster care? Those are the children who NEED homes. They never add Of course, I’M not going to do it. They might need a home, but not with me.
My take? It’s a personal decision and while I do love to judge, I accept that equally intelligent compassionate people can put a lot of thought into something and come out with different conclusions.
February 23rd, 2011 at 1:14 pm
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Because I never wanted to raise children. Not mine, not anybody’s.
I do not think it’s ****** to keep children in the country, culture, and race they were born to whenever possible. In fact, I think it’s preferable.
For the reasons you cite (needy kids, overpopulation) I think foster adoption is a great idea. My being a mother to anyone? Crap idea.
February 24th, 2011 at 9:41 am
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Well, I’m not doing it because I’m barely 22. Too young for that right now and busy with work/wedding plans/school/etc. I may foster one day though. I don’t really know.
February 26th, 2011 at 6:10 am
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Who? me? you have absolutely NO idea what work I do with children and families, so get down off your oh-so-high horse wontcha
Despite the work I do with the kids, I care too much for the children and could never pretend that they were my own, cutting them off from their roots, that’s just messed up.
ETA: Oh and I’d like to know how often adoption is the first option for anyone - the majority of cases I’ve seen have had extensive attempts at conceiving before even contemplating adoption.
February 26th, 2011 at 7:17 pm
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First off, the over population thing is a myth, in my opinion. I popped out my own children, because that’s the way nature intended it to be.
Not everyone can be a good adoptive parent. Raising an adopted child is much different than raising a bio child. As an adoptee, I am not a good candidate for being an adoptive parent.
As far as your friend jumping all over you, it’s quite frankly none of her business. Not everyone is equipped to deal with parenting a child of another race, either. That does NOT make you a racist, it makes you realistic.
Some ap’s will tell you that race does not matter. Most adoptees who are of different race than their ap’s will tell you it DOES.
People feel strongly about adopting from foster care, because in MOST cases, they are the ONLY children who need homes, and because they know the truth of the nasty side of newborn/infant adoption.
March 1st, 2011 at 5:35 am
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My husband and I adopted, as first time parents, a 9 and 10 year old brother and sister from foster care.
The match has been nothing short of great…and, you know what? I get people ANGRY with me for bragging about my children (not excessive, but being so proud of them for being so well-rounded and good kids for the crap they went through).
Adoption is never for the faint of heart…and honestly, the people that make those harsh statements and judgements…well, do you really think they SHOULD parent these kids? I don’t think so.
The world is full of words…but I, for one, take action. They speak louder than any word any day.
March 3rd, 2011 at 2:04 am
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Well, I would like to have my own child first, due to the fact that I really truly am not an advocate of adoption, nor the process…NOR the whole child welfare/foster care system.
However, after I have my own child, or 2 or whatever, and still feel as if I am ready for more, then there is a chance I would adopt an older child from foster care. However, like I say, Im not an fan of the system, and I really doubt I will ever have the parenting skills to deal with a child who has been pushed all over the system.
So thats why Id rather have my own kid, ***** it up the way I want, raise it…rather than deal with a child who is already screwed up from someone else .
March 3rd, 2011 at 6:36 am
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I have only had a few people ask me directly why we didn’t adopt a child from the U.S.foster care system (we adopted internationally). I had the same answer both times…..why haven’t you adopted from the U.S. foster care system? Yes there are children in foster care in the U.S. who need homes. There are also millions of children in orphanages in other countries who need homes. We made the decision we felt was right for our family, and that was international adoption. It does annoy me when people feel they know what option is better for other families. I have my own reasons for choosing international adoption and I stand by those reasons. I understand your frustration. The truth is there are so many more children needing homes than families to adopt them, so whatever route you take is a good one. You just have to feel confident in your own decision and let others have their opinions.
March 5th, 2011 at 6:16 am
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My husband and I were going to have two children. That’s what we said when we got married. We had those two. But I LOVE children, and wanted more, so we became a foster parents. Back then, foster parents couldn’t adopt, and adoptive parents couldn’t foster. I kept around 45 to 50 children during those years. After falling in love with a beautiful baby I had to let go, I begged for another baby, and soon we had our son. Once we started up again, we ended up having five more children, for a total of seven biological children. I fostered two babies for women in prison during that time. My oldest girl became a foster parent when she grew up. I fell in love with some of her children, got my foster/adopt license with the state again, and we fostered several more, and ended up adopting three times. For a long detailed story, you can click my Associated Content link, scroll down, and read the article entitled The Lord’s Rewards.
So again, if you didn’t catch it all: We have seven biological children, ranging in age from 33 to 12 years old, and we have adopted three children, ages 5, 4 and 1.
March 8th, 2011 at 10:36 am
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Because I have no desire to adopt.