What could I tell my potentially dying grandmother at the hospital that is appropriate?
I was pressured by a psychiatrist 3 years ago to turn my uncle in for meth, and for abusing my grandma. This is a big taboo, and a line I crossed because I decided I truly **** him. Some of it had to do with him ripping me off of a lot of money, and another part of it had to do with his abuse of my grandmother. She took his side, and I am not allowed to see my little 78 year old grandma at her house because my uncle calls the police since I’m on probation.
It looks like I will be seeing my grandma for the first time in a couple years. She is weak, and has been in the hospital for a week. I no longer report my uncle to the police because elder care took their side since I’m on probation for getting in a fist fight with a grown male neighbor I had in my late 20’s.
I no longer drink, and that was the main issue with my grandma because my grandfather was a mean alcoholic. She puts up with my uncle when he goes on drug binges, but she is also intimidated by him. But I have put all of that behind me.
My main concern is seeing my grandma, and making sure she knows I am in college, and not drinking. Any suggestions on what I should say, and what I should not say? I did write her a letter a few weeks ago telling her I love her and that I no longer drink alcohol, and that I’m in college. I know not to bring up my uncle because he is such a major influence over her, and she would take his side. Plus she is weak, and I don’t want to bring up family drama. She is 78 or 79 and I just want to let her know I love her. She is my last grandparent.
I had a bad experience 5 years ago when my real mom died. I was adopted by my oldest aunt who is my mom, but my real mom was on her death bed and I didn’t want them to take her off life support. I was upset and she was not really alive anymore, so I understood the reasons to take her off life support when I saw her and gave her a kiss. But I still could not give the say to take her off life support. But she died later that day.
Please give me any tips on what to say. Thank you
Plans have changed and I won’t be allowed to see her.
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May 19th, 2010 at 6:24 pm
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Tell her you are concerned with being a good family person. You missed her company and because of that you made your changes and now that you are with her you really appreciate the opportunity to see her in person. Just talk about nice things and ask her about what she does or thinks about. Tell her about what you are going to do in the near future and tell her when you will visit her again. No sense in clarifying the past other than how it relates in what you are doing today.
Relationships move forward, not backwards so it’s all of what you make of the next day.
May 20th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
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you already wrote her a letter. you don’t need to explain yourself. you love her, and want her to be proud of you, and that’s all you want to say.
May 21st, 2010 at 2:17 am
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When you see your grandmother tell her you missed her and that you love her. Tell her you are now in college, doing well. Think of some short story about you she will find amusing. (nothing serious)
Your grandmother seems the accepting sort, as she accpets your uncle. Mothers often do not see their child’s faults. So she puts a blind eye to her own son.
Keep it light when talking to her. If she says anything to you about the past, just tell her you are better now.
Just be with her. This memory, as yo uknow will probably have to last the rest of your life. Most important is to convey your love and not upset her.
Your uncle sounds nasty, but he is her son.
I am sorry about your mom, but that experience is sure to help you with the fragile situation with your grandmother.